5/4/2019 – Saturday
Mom took the boys to a mommy/son dance yesterday. On her orders I had stopped at the florist to get two single roses for the boys to give to her. (Sidebar: I was next in line for the cashier and there were two people behind me. This old lady moseys in and walks right up to the counter and asks to pick up her order. She sidled right in front of me to yell at the cashier: “Yeah, pick up for Cunt McCunterson!” I really wanted to notify her of the fact that there was a line in a very impolite way, but I resisted. However, when she was filling out her cards and asked the audience how to spell choreograph, I didn’t help her and you know damn well I knew how to spell choreograph.) I told the boys to give the flowers to mom, ask her to the dance, and say “these flowers are beautiful, but not as beautiful as you”. They gave mom about five seconds with her flowers before taking them back and tearing them apart petal by petal (She loves me!).
While they were at the dance I ate a dairy-free dinner since I decided yesterday that I’m not doing dairy anymore. Me and cow titties have had a good run, but there’s been enough flatulence to call it a day. After that I spot cleaned the many stains on our upstairs carpet. Most of them have been in there long enough to make it a lost cause, but I did get a milk stain out of H’s room that I should’ve cleaned up 8 months ago when it happened. When they got home from the dance J was sent packing without bedtime books because he wasn’t listening and he face rammed mommy while she was trying to show me videos from her phone of H doing an amazing twerk.
We had an open house today from 11-2. No takers, five visitors. Going to drop price from 375K to $360 or $350 soon. I’m trying to tune out my inner insane person because every time I clean something it opens my eyes to something new that sucks about our house and I say another promise not to neglect our new house like we did this one.
I took the boys to H’s soccer class while mom did some last minute cleaning. They did the soccer lesson on the tennis courts. Every time H runs I picture him falling on his face. I feel like I’m just waiting for them to get hurt. Then we met up at the dinosaur exhibit. Driving down the long, rolling, winding lane of the perfectly manicured grounds of the prep school made me wish we could send the boys there. Part of me wanted to pull out of the deal on the new house, stay in the current one, and put all dad’s life insurance money into tuition. Even all that money would probably only get you kids through grade school. Then we’d have to pay our own money when Dad’s ran out, which would really cut into our plan to retire in key west by age 60. The public schools in our new town kick ass, you’ll be fine.
We ate lunch at a new place. J and H each got pancakes that were amazing. I had to violate my dairy-free lifestyle in order to test them for heat. It took a few bites to make sure they were just right for consumption. H had a pretty huge milk spill. Accidents happen. No nap for J today so he was acting extra insane tonight. After having to tell him five times to brush his teeth and put his jammies on I was at my wits end. Then when he kept putting his nose in my face like he did to mommy that was the last straw. I’m going to head downstairs now and watch “A Star is Born” (Bradley Cooper / Gaga version) with Mom. Sleep tight.
The Family Record 