I want to be like mom’s dad even though I have no memory of him. It’s time to move on from the notion that my kids will fear me like I feared my father when I was their age. The fact is they don’t fear me and I’m happy about that. I want them to always know I love them and I can’t be afraid to express this. I make a conscious effort to not just tell them I love them but tell them how lucky I am to be their Dad. I always say I’m a glad Dad because you’re here and you’re going to make the world a better place. Okay, maybe I don’t say the “you’re going to make the world a better place” bit very often, but I do tell them they’re awesome and they make me happy. I tell them I’ll always have their back no matter what. That if they ever feel like nobody loves them to think of me and know that’s not true. I think my mom and her brothers felt that way about their Dad. The way mom and her brothers’ eyes light up then tear up when they reminisce about him. If my boys do the same when they think of me after I’m gone, that’s a legacy worth having.
Tag: fatherhood
Watley Sampras
It’s 6:26 AM on a hump day. I’ve had my banana, vitamin e, adderall and i’m ready to rock. I’ve got my blanky on my legs and my coffee by my side. J is in the dining room playing some military tycoon on Roblox, H is downstairs watching morons play YouTube, all is right with the world. I took J to the dentist yesterday to get his first two of six cavities filled. He was all brave talk on the way, talking about how H could never handle what he’s about to conquer. Hygienist told him to lift his left arm up if it hurt. My man was popping that arm up as soon as the doc introduced the air hose. They said only about 10% of kids get the novocaine because the shot is more scary than the drill. We decided to go for the novocaine and got a couple droplets of it into the target area before meltdown city. I spoke privately with the dentist and said I’d pay whatever extra charges were necessary to cover the laughing gas. After a half-hour pep talk we got him back in the chair with the nose hose. He kept pulling it off and demanding to see the novocaine needle before he would move forward with the process. Doc showed him and he was like ‘damn, that’s a big ass needle’. Doc was amazed at J’s lung capacity because it took a lot of gas to give him the giggles. Even when he was laughing it was a half cry. In the end J couldn’t go through with it and we took a referral for a pediatric dentist to fill all six at once at a later date. He was all set to earn some extra Robux and a Menchie’s ice cream, but instead I labeled him a wimp and he told me he hates his life. This morning I gave him a pep talk and told him he’d conquer his fears next time and the important thing is to keep on trying. It’s a good lesson for me as well. Keep getting up and giving it another shot. Keep believing in yourself and a better future. Don’t give up, don’t sulk. Nice work Tony Robbins.
After the dentist I grabbed H from aftercare and headed toward swim lessons. We had just enough time to hit the McDonald’s drive-thru and meet mommy in the parking lot so I could swap the kids for my tennis racquet and get to league night by 7. Nothing like a large coke and two double cheeseburgers to ensure peak performance. I got a bit heated with the drive-thru lady and swore in the car with the boys because I asked for the kids’ nugget dipping sauce and she insisted the sauces were in the bag. I’m like, “I’m looking in the bag right now and there are no dipping sauces in here”. Skimpflation is a bitch. Tennis league was a couple people short so I would need to play singles for the full two hours. I was worried about the calf I’d tweaked in Vegas, but committed myself to extra stretching and limited running around the court like Jimmy Connors. We were tied 8-8 in our pro-set to ten when I went for an overhead and my left calf stopped working. I should’ve retired right then but I played it out so my Indian counterpart could have his victory. I limped to the car at 8:45. I can definitely beat that guy if full strength. Although he said his serve was weak because of a rotator cuff issue so who knows which old man would’ve prevailed provided no ailments. He came to Detroit from India in the eight grade with three brothers, a sister and his parents. I thought moving from Boston to Michigan in 3rd grade was tough. How about being an Indian kid entering Detroit public schools for the first time in eighth grade? There’s always somebody who’s had it tougher than you. By most accounts my path has been easy. I’m a privileged white boy with limited grit who’s made his way to the burbs pretty easily. Primarily because there are so many people just like me. It’s easier to win people over when they look like you and quote the same movies. I have the luxury of getting pissed at myself for not following my ‘true path’. Many have to constantly claw and know the law. These are the ones that should win in a fair system.
I ended the night with my wife, my vape pen, and one gluten free beer. I didn’t put the laundry away during the day so I was in the doghouse. I’m not sweating it, I do plenty of shit around here. Dickinson is a good show. Time to get the kids ready for school.
Punch the Bully
Well it’s day one of my morning writing routine. My goal is to write from 6-7 every weekday. I thought my kids got up at 7 to go to the basement to watch YouTube. Apparently, it’s 6. H went to J’s room sometime before 5:30 so they could strategize about whose channel they would watch and how often they would take turns. I asked them to keep it down so mommy could sleep. I had the first of my morning defecations, ground some coffee beans (sorry mommy), ate a banana, mixed two packets of stevia into a mug of Starbucks medium roast, now here I am. Damnit, I can hear the TV sound coming up through the vents in my office. Let me close those vents. Still hear it. How am I supposed to meditate when I can faintly hear some 30 year-old hilariously playing Minecraft for the entertainment of my grade schoolers. And didn’t I tell those kids a couple weeks ago it was YouTube Kids only from here on out? Oh well, I’ll put the smack down later, or not, I’m not that great at parenting.
I’ve been glued to everything related to the Russian invasion of Ukraine. It all makes me very sad but I can’t pretend like it’s not happening. I need to find more ways to help. I’ll put a reminder for myself to donate some money to a worthy charity later. I was watching 1971 on Apple TV last night as I sucked down some vape pen in the playroom. Dad was 23 and mom was 20 at that time. I think Dad was done with college, had a motorcycle, and was going on adventures but i’m not sure. Mom was in nursing school in Syracuse. I know they were dating. Maybe that was during the era when dad and his buddy would visit mom and her friends in Syracuse and mom would get annoyed at dad for ignoring her to sip on beers with his buddy. I need to confirm so I can draw the parallel to all the stuff going on in the world at that time. The music during that time was incredible. Marvin Gaye, John Lennon, Neil Young, so many people with something to say and so many people listening. Back then we were fighting in Vietnam to stop the spread of communism and the young people were like, “fuck that, what do I care if Vietnam becomes all communist? I shouldn’t have to die to protect this democracy that’s run by an authoritarian crook named Nixon.” Now we’ve got this guy Putin telling Ukraine they aren’t a free democratic country and that they need to come back under the wing of Russia like it used to be when Putin was a kid. There’s always going to be some rich asshole wanting all the power. Peace never seems to last. Nothing is ever fair. It’s hard to know the will of the people when so many people don’t care or won’t say.
I wonder if the USA will break into smaller countries like Europe has done over time. We could all migrate to a section of the country that best aligns with our values, create countries and trade agreements, then live peaceably. Psych! You dumb rube. Like you just said, there is always going to be some rich asshole trying to horn in on a utopic vision. Mom always said to turn the other cheek growing up. Well that turned me into a giant pussy. I laughed off bullies, pretended like getting my books knocked out of my hands or my tie yanked down didn’t bother me for the sake of peace. So the bullies kept bullying and I kept crying in my room at night. I should’ve shown confidence and punched someone in the face. Take the school suspension, ass beating, and tension with my peers in order to establish some respect. Sure they’ll apologize at the 20 year reunion if they’ve grown, but I don’t take solace in the fact that I had a higher level of maturity as a high schooler.
So should we punch Russia in the face because Ukraine wants democracy? Or should we let Russia take some land and make that a haven for the Putin lovers, then send the western democracy lovers to their own section of Ukraine to set up shop? Preserving world order is a bitch. I really don’t want America to get nuked.
Inside The Mind of My Five Year Old Boy
Oh my god I love today. Today is so awesome. Shoot I’m supposed to say oh my gosh. Oh well, holy guacamole today is awesome. I love playing!! This new house is awesome, this yard is awesome, riding my bike is totally awesome! Hey I wonder what kind of cool toys the neighbors have in their garage. Let me check it out. Hmmm, nothing too great. Let me check inside their house. Shoot is that Dad telling me to get out of this house because it’s not ours. I’m trying to look for toys dad! Oh is that our other neighbors in the driveway? Oh yeah it is and they’ve got a gift bag! Cool, let me see. Awesome, sidewalk chalk and bubbles. I love smashing the chalk, let me show these new people how good I smash. Sweet, this the big bubble maker. Let me try to make a bubble. Oh man, this bubble maker doesn’t work. I better dump it out in front of them so they know their bubbles stink. I’m gonna ride my bike, better put on my helmet. I’m gonna ram my new neighbor with my bike and she’ll try to get out of the way, she’s going to think it’s fun. Better get out of my way! Why is Dad telling me to stop? We’re having fun playing dodge the bike over here. If he tells me to stop five more times I’ll think about it. Unless he says he’s going to take my ice cream away. Oh man, I hope he doesn’t remember the ice cream. If he takes away one of my bedtime books I can deal with that, but not my ice cream man. I need that. Okay, better do something else. Hey, look at that stone hill, I wonder if my bike will stay up if I try to roll it down that hill without me on it. Oh man, wipeout! That was awesome, I want to do it again. Daddy, get my bike! It’s too heavy and I want to bring it back up the hill so I can send it down again. C’mon Daddy! Oh man, he says I’m going to break my bike doing that and if I do it again he’s taking my ice cream. Better be cool. Dinner time. I hope it’s a turkey sandwich with cucumbers and mayo. Oh man, it’s chicken. At least there’s some cucumbers on the side. Dad says I have to have five bites or no ice cream. I’m going to pretend to take big bites but actually take little tiny ones. He’ll never be able to tell. I got my ice cream! So yummy. Now daddy wants me to brush my teeth and put my pj’s on. What the heck? I’m not even tired, I just had ice cream, doesn’t he know that’s full of sugar. I better brush really good because I don’t want to go to the dentist again. I should get on top of my dresser and try to jump on the bed, I think I can definitely make it. Dad is so loud when he yells at me, jeez! Ouch! I hit my lip, that really hurts. What is that red stuff? Oh my god I’m bleeding!!! I think I’m dying. DADDY DADDY DADDY! (Twenty minutes of wailing later). That ice helped. Daddy told me he loved me and would do anything for me. I love him to, he’s a good daddy. I really want to keep playing, maybe I could build a fort out of all the clothes in my closet, that would be cool. But I’m really tired, better go to sleep. Oh I can’t wait for my slushee at school tomorrow, it’s gonna be so good! I’m getting orange and strawberry then mixing them together. It’s gonna be awesome!
Hometown Weekend
6/23/19 – Sunday
It’s Sunday morning at 6am. I’m the only one up. I’m sitting at the kitchen table drinking a coffee. This has been a perfect weekend. Probably one of the last ones we’ll have here before we move across town. On Friday we went to our company picnic at the zoo. The weather was perfect. J spent the most time in the reptile room. H and I were outside balancing on rocks while J focused on the snakes.
Later on Friday, we walked to the dentist. Mom was out with friends so it was just us dudes. J had to get a cavity filled. His tooth brushing is subpar. From now on, I’m going to have to brush for him. I also just bought expensive plug-in brushes for both boys. J was nervous going into the appointment, but ended up handling it like a champ. The laughing gas definitely helped. I think he liked it because he was breathing it in like he was hyperventilating into a bag, really trying to take it all in. Doctor said he was the best five year old patient he’d ever had.
Yesterday after my morning OrangeTheory workout I took the boys to swimming class. Then we went and got donuts at the Donut Bar. After that we came home and chilled for a while. The boys watched some paw patrol and I packed some stuff up for the move. Then they played outside with the next door neighbor boy. I sold a couple things on FB Marketplace. When mom got home from her friend’s bridal shower we all walked into town to go to a carnival happening downtown. H was asleep for a while so J rode everything by himself at first. He was having a blast. His favorite thing was the funhouses. Harrison woke up in time to go on a few rides. After that we went to dinner at Bar Louie. Absolutely beautiful day and great time spent with the family.
It’s interesting to see your personalities develop. J is much more cautious than H. Any time H does anything I feel like it’s an emergency room visit waiting to happen. Absolute reckless abandon. Last night when mom was reading to the boys in J’ bed, H decides to try to flip over on his head and ends up bending his neck all out of wack. Probably a mild sprain. After donuts, H was running through the planters in front of the store like a crazy man. There were rose bushes throughout the planters and he got his legs totally scraped up. He didn’t even notice. I was putting him in the car to leave and saw all the scratches and was like “dude, those bushes had thorns.” He was like, “yeah, whatever.”.
So at five and three we’ve got ourselves an academic and a daredevil. It’s going to be so fun watching these boys grow.
Inhospitable Hospital
6/16/19 – Sunday
Happy Father’s day to me. It’s been a great day, but I haven’t written in a while so before getting to today, let’s catch up on the past week. Last Sunday Harrison had a fever. Mom called the Doctor and the doctor said, get that boy to a hospital bed. Since H was also complaining of knee pain the doc thought it’d be a good idea to go to the ER. H had a skinned knee get infected over Easter so they were worried perhaps the previous antibiotic hadn’t taken care of it entirely. They decided to admit him because he was dehydrated and there was a higher level of a bacteria and a low white blood cell count in his blood test. It was determined that he had herpangina (I remember this by saying “Herbie’s vagina”). They didn’t see any issue with the knee via X-ray, but wanted to check using an MRI. They couldn’t get an MRI until Monday so Mom spent the night in the hospital with H. J and I went up there for dinner. It was tough seeing my little guy hooked up to an IV, looking scared and sick. The docs were pretty certain the MRI would be fine, but they wanted to rule out a bone infection. Bone infection would have been really bad news, but treatable.
We took a backseat to emergency MRI’s, so we didn’t end up getting in on Monday. It was my turn to spend the night with you on Monday. We finally got you into the MRI on Tuesday evening. They had to give you general anesthesia before the procedure so you wouldn’t move around in the MRI tube. The MRI analyzers were gone for the day by the time they were done with yours. They said we might need to stay another night, but mom wasn’t having it. They let you go home Tuesday night and called in the morning with the results. And the winner is…Harrison’s knee! No problems with the MRI. We spent two days in the hospital for Herbie’s Vagina.
Yesterday afternoon we went out to Mimi and Poppa’s. The weather was rainy. We went out to dinner, then got some ice cream, then came home and watched some of the U.S. Open golf tournament. Sleeping out there is tough because you two are each in little cots on each side of the queen bed mom and I share. Since you two don’t usually share a room, you get all excited and it takes forever to calm you down. By the time we get you calmed down, mom and I are ready for bed too. This puts a crimp in our alone time.
This was the first Father’s Day that my dad hasn’t been alive. I was thinking about him a lot. I took a 10 mile bike ride in his honor. My dad liked to go on long bike rides. I took a rest at the Shiawasee river to sit on the river bank. My plan was to meditate but the skeeters were all up in my grill so that backfired. I’m not a super spiritual person so I wouldn’t say dad was with me on my ride or during the day, but I enjoyed thinking about him and imagining what would have been going through his head. Thoughts on the beauty of nature and the gratitude I have for my life dominated my mind.
The weather was rainy and cold, but we still bundled up and took a boat ride to go get ice cream. On the way there the three of us sat together under a big heavy blanket. I loved holding you close to me and looking across the boat to your mom. As Poppa would say, “it doesn’t get any better than this”. Even later when I was napping and you both started jumping on me and acting completely insane, nothing but love coming from me. That’s a retrospective love. At the time my exact words were, “What are you doing? Get off me!!”. Time for me to go to bed. Gary Woodland won the open over Brooks Koepka.
The Baby Girl that Wasn’t
6/7/2019 – Friday
I’m sitting in the surgical lounge on the 3rd floor at the hospital. Mom just had what’s called a D & C to clear up the area where a baby is supposed to grow. We found out a few days ago that the baby that was supposed to be 9 weeks along in her belly had stopped growing at 6 weeks and no longer had a heartbeat. The doctor just talked to me and said everything went well and I’ll be back to see her in a half-hour. So now we hit the reset button. 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage according to our doctor. It’s sad, but shit happens. We move forward. If we want to try again, we will. If we don’t or can’t, we won’t. It’s that simple.
This illuminates what a blessing life is. It doesn’t come easy and we’re already lucky enough to have two of the most awesome dudes around in you two. Your mom is the studliest of all the studmuffins. It’s her body that has to go through all this. I know it’s harder on her than anyone, but she’s tough, she’ll move on. I was thinking yesterday about how cool it is that mom cares so much. I remember when I first met her it was a little overwhelming. I couldn’t believe this fun, beautiful person wanted to be around me so much. Then I noticed that she always brings people together, which is so difficult. She cares about everyone and can always be counted on. This will hurt for a little bit, but we’ll take care of each other, and we’ll count the blessings we have. There’s always something to be thankful for when you’re lucky enough to be breathing air on this planet.
Whatever happens along our journey in life, good and bad, we keep going. Because we’re alive! And you boys are guaranteed unconditional love from Mom and I forever. That means no matter what you do that is shitty or great, you’ve got love from us two regardless. We’ll be home soon and we’ll chow down because Mom hasn’t eaten since last night so she is going to be one hungry hippo!
Plant your Flag
5/29/19 – Wednesday
Well I guess we jumped the gun on getting H back to school today. We got a call around lunch saying H had a low grade fever, didn’t eat his food, and said his ear hurt. So I left work early again to pick him up and take him to the Doctors office. Mom will be picking up his prescription for the ear infection later. No soccer for him tonight. J has ice skating lessons.
I finished the “When Breath Becomes Air” audiobook today. Tough listen. It’s the memoir of a super smart Neurosurgeon who was just finishing up all the years of schooling it takes to become a stud Stanford doctor when he discovered he had lung cancer. He primarily wrote it during his last year of life as he came to grips with his impending death. 8 months before he died his daughter was born. I was crying like a baby on the way to work today. Part of me was thinking about my Dad and how he experienced almost the same last year of his life. I was also thinking of my Mom and how she cared for him during that time. I wondered what it was like in those intimate moments between the two of them when they talked about death and what was most important as he fought for that last year. I thought about how fragile life is and how lucky I am to be here and have such a great family that I love so much and loves me back. I want to protect the boys from anything bad ever happening to them. I worry about those life defining moments that set you down your path in life. I know I’ll feel whatever pain they feel so viscerally it might as well be happening to me. There’s much physical and emotional pain to come. That’s okay. We get to live! For a short time on this earth we are alive and your mom and I will do everything we can to facilitate the life you imagine for yourself. We’ll also expand your imagination so you understand you can do anything. No matter what you decide, no matter what you do wrong or where you end up, we are going to love you always. I’m going to be the sappy dad that cries a lot and tells you how much I love you and wants to give you hugs. I’ll have a hard time letting go when you’re trying to turn yourself loose on the world. I’ll do what I can to help you but just because you want something doesn’t mean the rest of the world is going to cooperate. The rest of the world can be a real dick and it might take a while to show it how amazing you are. I know you’ll wear it down, you’ll keep at it. Eventually the world will be begging for mercy as you plant your flag with a smile on your face, just happy to be alive and doing what you love.
Sold & Old!
5/28/19 – Tuesday
Tuesday after Memorial Day. I’m sitting at home with a sick kid at 3pm. H has a fever, cough, and runny nose. He’s watching Super Truck. We sold the house on Saturday. The thing sits on the market for 35 days with no offers, then we ended up getting a flurry of three between Friday and Saturday. A couple from Chicago was the winning bidder. They’re letting us live in the house until August 4th. On Saturday we were getting a lot of calls from the realtor when we were out at Mimi and Poppa’s. It was pretty exciting and a huge load off to get the house sold. Now we just need to pass the inspection.
Mom and I went out to dinner and a concert last Wednesday to celebrate her birthday. You two went to Mimi and Poppa’s because we had house showings. We ate at Mabel Gray and it was delicious. Then we saw Jim James (lead singer of My Morning Jacket). There were plenty of good seats still available. The show was good, but I was nodding off so we decided to leave early and go home to go to sleep. Not having you two bust into our room in the middle of the night to try to sleep in our bed was awesome. You stayed the night at Mimi and Poppa’s on Thursday night as well. By Friday, we were missing you and couldn’t wait to get out to the lake to give you big hugs.
The night before, J smashed Mimi’s ipad in frustration and ruined the glass cover. Extremely not cool dude. We’ve started a money jar for J to collect enough money by doing chores to pay for the repair for Mimi.
Aunt D came to the lake with her daughter on Saturday. You all had a fun time. We caught some fish in the net, went for a boat ride, got ice cream, and jumped off the raft.
You started coughing more on Sunday and then yesterday you had a fever. It didn’t stop you from playing outside though. You don’t want to miss out. On Sunday, H and mom caught a bass with a nightcrawler. It was pretty awesome. We think we’re going to get more into fishing this summer. I want to catch a pike off the dock. We’ll see how my patience holds up.
I went to take you boys for a canoe ride on Saturday and discovered a dead possum underneath where we had stored it for the winter. There were stinky guts all over it. Peeeeeee-youuuuuu! Or as H would say after I say that when I’m changing his diaper, “Peeeeee-meeeee!”.
Mundane Retelling of a Day
5/18/2019 – Saturday
House all cleaned. Ready for a showing at 12:45. Best buddy and his girls are on the way. When they get here we will go out to lunch then head to a nearby park. The boys are watching Justin Time and have been for the last 3 hours. I feel bad about all the screen time but really needed to clean the house. Plus it’s educational so they’re probably getting a leg up on the competition thanks to Justin.
Yesterday we closed on our new house. So now we officially own two houses, which puts a major strain on the wallet. So we need to sell the current house soon. The former owners of our new house are renting from us through the end of July. We didn’t do a good job keeping up our current house, which I think is why we’re having trouble selling it. At the new house we will stay on top of fixing everything as soon as it goes wrong.
The realtor got the boys nets, a bucket, spelunking lights, and a box for any critters they catch at the new house. He got me a book about bird watching so I can learn about all the pretty birds we’ll see out our back window.
I got mom a surprise night away in Detroit at the Foundation hotel with her friend yesterday. They ate at Takoi, a funky Thai restaurant in Corktown. Me and the boys got cheap Chinese then went to the park. They were pretty good, but I did have to take a book away from J for dumping sand out of the sand box after I had already told him not to. After the boys were asleep I watched a couple Game of Thrones episodes. J crawled into bed with me at 5:30, and although it’s a king size bed he wanted to use my shoulder as a pillow. Fine by me. You both don’t like to be left alone at night. I wonder if we’re meant to sleep in a pack like a family of bears would do. I hate to see you both get so sad and lonely when I close the door. Hope that’s not damaging your emotional growth or something.
The Family Record 