I want to be like mom’s dad even though I have no memory of him. It’s time to move on from the notion that my kids will fear me like I feared my father when I was their age. The fact is they don’t fear me and I’m happy about that. I want them to always know I love them and I can’t be afraid to express this. I make a conscious effort to not just tell them I love them but tell them how lucky I am to be their Dad. I always say I’m a glad Dad because you’re here and you’re going to make the world a better place. Okay, maybe I don’t say the “you’re going to make the world a better place” bit very often, but I do tell them they’re awesome and they make me happy. I tell them I’ll always have their back no matter what. That if they ever feel like nobody loves them to think of me and know that’s not true. I think my mom and her brothers felt that way about their Dad. The way mom and her brothers’ eyes light up then tear up when they reminisce about him. If my boys do the same when they think of me after I’m gone, that’s a legacy worth having.
Tag: kids
Watley Sampras
It’s 6:26 AM on a hump day. I’ve had my banana, vitamin e, adderall and i’m ready to rock. I’ve got my blanky on my legs and my coffee by my side. J is in the dining room playing some military tycoon on Roblox, H is downstairs watching morons play YouTube, all is right with the world. I took J to the dentist yesterday to get his first two of six cavities filled. He was all brave talk on the way, talking about how H could never handle what he’s about to conquer. Hygienist told him to lift his left arm up if it hurt. My man was popping that arm up as soon as the doc introduced the air hose. They said only about 10% of kids get the novocaine because the shot is more scary than the drill. We decided to go for the novocaine and got a couple droplets of it into the target area before meltdown city. I spoke privately with the dentist and said I’d pay whatever extra charges were necessary to cover the laughing gas. After a half-hour pep talk we got him back in the chair with the nose hose. He kept pulling it off and demanding to see the novocaine needle before he would move forward with the process. Doc showed him and he was like ‘damn, that’s a big ass needle’. Doc was amazed at J’s lung capacity because it took a lot of gas to give him the giggles. Even when he was laughing it was a half cry. In the end J couldn’t go through with it and we took a referral for a pediatric dentist to fill all six at once at a later date. He was all set to earn some extra Robux and a Menchie’s ice cream, but instead I labeled him a wimp and he told me he hates his life. This morning I gave him a pep talk and told him he’d conquer his fears next time and the important thing is to keep on trying. It’s a good lesson for me as well. Keep getting up and giving it another shot. Keep believing in yourself and a better future. Don’t give up, don’t sulk. Nice work Tony Robbins.
After the dentist I grabbed H from aftercare and headed toward swim lessons. We had just enough time to hit the McDonald’s drive-thru and meet mommy in the parking lot so I could swap the kids for my tennis racquet and get to league night by 7. Nothing like a large coke and two double cheeseburgers to ensure peak performance. I got a bit heated with the drive-thru lady and swore in the car with the boys because I asked for the kids’ nugget dipping sauce and she insisted the sauces were in the bag. I’m like, “I’m looking in the bag right now and there are no dipping sauces in here”. Skimpflation is a bitch. Tennis league was a couple people short so I would need to play singles for the full two hours. I was worried about the calf I’d tweaked in Vegas, but committed myself to extra stretching and limited running around the court like Jimmy Connors. We were tied 8-8 in our pro-set to ten when I went for an overhead and my left calf stopped working. I should’ve retired right then but I played it out so my Indian counterpart could have his victory. I limped to the car at 8:45. I can definitely beat that guy if full strength. Although he said his serve was weak because of a rotator cuff issue so who knows which old man would’ve prevailed provided no ailments. He came to Detroit from India in the eight grade with three brothers, a sister and his parents. I thought moving from Boston to Michigan in 3rd grade was tough. How about being an Indian kid entering Detroit public schools for the first time in eighth grade? There’s always somebody who’s had it tougher than you. By most accounts my path has been easy. I’m a privileged white boy with limited grit who’s made his way to the burbs pretty easily. Primarily because there are so many people just like me. It’s easier to win people over when they look like you and quote the same movies. I have the luxury of getting pissed at myself for not following my ‘true path’. Many have to constantly claw and know the law. These are the ones that should win in a fair system.
I ended the night with my wife, my vape pen, and one gluten free beer. I didn’t put the laundry away during the day so I was in the doghouse. I’m not sweating it, I do plenty of shit around here. Dickinson is a good show. Time to get the kids ready for school.
Inside The Mind of My Five Year Old Boy
Oh my god I love today. Today is so awesome. Shoot I’m supposed to say oh my gosh. Oh well, holy guacamole today is awesome. I love playing!! This new house is awesome, this yard is awesome, riding my bike is totally awesome! Hey I wonder what kind of cool toys the neighbors have in their garage. Let me check it out. Hmmm, nothing too great. Let me check inside their house. Shoot is that Dad telling me to get out of this house because it’s not ours. I’m trying to look for toys dad! Oh is that our other neighbors in the driveway? Oh yeah it is and they’ve got a gift bag! Cool, let me see. Awesome, sidewalk chalk and bubbles. I love smashing the chalk, let me show these new people how good I smash. Sweet, this the big bubble maker. Let me try to make a bubble. Oh man, this bubble maker doesn’t work. I better dump it out in front of them so they know their bubbles stink. I’m gonna ride my bike, better put on my helmet. I’m gonna ram my new neighbor with my bike and she’ll try to get out of the way, she’s going to think it’s fun. Better get out of my way! Why is Dad telling me to stop? We’re having fun playing dodge the bike over here. If he tells me to stop five more times I’ll think about it. Unless he says he’s going to take my ice cream away. Oh man, I hope he doesn’t remember the ice cream. If he takes away one of my bedtime books I can deal with that, but not my ice cream man. I need that. Okay, better do something else. Hey, look at that stone hill, I wonder if my bike will stay up if I try to roll it down that hill without me on it. Oh man, wipeout! That was awesome, I want to do it again. Daddy, get my bike! It’s too heavy and I want to bring it back up the hill so I can send it down again. C’mon Daddy! Oh man, he says I’m going to break my bike doing that and if I do it again he’s taking my ice cream. Better be cool. Dinner time. I hope it’s a turkey sandwich with cucumbers and mayo. Oh man, it’s chicken. At least there’s some cucumbers on the side. Dad says I have to have five bites or no ice cream. I’m going to pretend to take big bites but actually take little tiny ones. He’ll never be able to tell. I got my ice cream! So yummy. Now daddy wants me to brush my teeth and put my pj’s on. What the heck? I’m not even tired, I just had ice cream, doesn’t he know that’s full of sugar. I better brush really good because I don’t want to go to the dentist again. I should get on top of my dresser and try to jump on the bed, I think I can definitely make it. Dad is so loud when he yells at me, jeez! Ouch! I hit my lip, that really hurts. What is that red stuff? Oh my god I’m bleeding!!! I think I’m dying. DADDY DADDY DADDY! (Twenty minutes of wailing later). That ice helped. Daddy told me he loved me and would do anything for me. I love him to, he’s a good daddy. I really want to keep playing, maybe I could build a fort out of all the clothes in my closet, that would be cool. But I’m really tired, better go to sleep. Oh I can’t wait for my slushee at school tomorrow, it’s gonna be so good! I’m getting orange and strawberry then mixing them together. It’s gonna be awesome!
Pure Michigan
7/1/2019 – Monday
I’m sitting in the family room with no power. Luckily there is enough juice left on this laptop to get some words down. I just pitched for the work softball team in Southfield. We got smoked by my old company. I’m feeling a little pissed because J pulled the curtain rod holster out of the wall. It happened because he constantly stands on the curtain and yanks it. Even though I’ve told him that doing so would break the whole setup, he continued doing it and broke the whole goddamn setup. Now me or mom is going to have to fix it before we close on the house next week. That is an extremely shitty fix it job waiting to happen.
Time to put that out of my mind and reflect on the wonderful weekend that was. We got on the road a little after nine on Friday morning and headed across the state to Montague where we met wife’s cousins family for lunch. It was a quaint slice of Americana right across from Lake Michigan with deli sandwiches and ice cream. They had a beautiful backyard courtyard where everyone dined. There was a sand box, games, fountains, and a koi pond. The boys ran free which gave the adults time to catch up. After that we stocked up at the local market then headed to our weekend home on Lake Michigan in Whitehall.
We stayed in the top right section of a big house on Lake Michigan in the town of Whitehall, right by White Lake and Duck Lake. About an hour after we got there, the Rizzo’s arrived from St. Louis. They have a boy named Luke in the same grade as J and a girl named Marmy the same age as Harrison.
We started with a climb down to the water level from the bluff above. There was no beach because the water level is higher than it has ever been. The owner of the place, Buddy Pops, told us there used to be a good 40 yards of beach. Or maybe it was 40 ft. Not sure, but it meant that come Saturday we’d need to find another place to hang out since our plan to lounge on our private Lake Michigan beach was dashed. Friday night we ate at a place called “Buzz’s Roost” on White Lake. It was only a half mile from the house. They had a great outdoor seating area looking out at the lake and a guy/girl duo playing folky tunes. We gave the boys the iPad’s in an effort to ignore our parenting responsibilities for the two hours we were there. Then we came home to catch the sunset over Lake Michigan from our balcony. Looking down the beach you could see everyone had come out of their homes to watch the sun make its curtain call. Looking out across the seemingly endless expanse of water at the sun slowly dropping below the horizon is all the entertainment I needed. My mind was at ease. And it was great to be hanging with Stickler and Bracy. We used to hang out a lot in Chicago when we both lived there. We let the kids keep the iPad marathon going until 10:30 ish when we finally put them down to bed. Then the adults sat on the balcony until around midnight. The stars were brilliant and I saw a shooting star.
The next morning there was a little more beach on the big lake so we explored the coastline until we ran out of real estate. After that we went to Duck Lake State Park because we heard there was some beach there. Duck Lake is pretty small so the water was warmer. The beach wasn’t much but there were only a couple other people there so it felt like we had the place to ourselves. The kids got along great with Luke and Marmy. Well J and Luke got along great and H and Marmy seemed to coexist well. We had packed a lunch so we ended up spending the whole day at that beach listening to tunes and peeing in the water. I got a good workout throwing Luke and Marmy into the sky then down into the water.
We were supposed to cook brats at the house for dinner, but nobody felt like it so we ended up just going back to Buzz’s. It was hotter Saturday and we all got a little toastier than we would’ve if we were being more diligent about sunscreen application. After dinner we went back to the house and claimed the communal firepit. We made smores and watched another sunset. The boys stayed up way too late again.
Sunday morning after breakfast we went and played in the Lake Michigan surf for a bit before it was time to go pack up. You know it’s been a good trip when you feel a bit sad knowing the end is near. J was getting especially sad knowing that goodbye’s were coming. He really loved him some Luke. He said he wanted to marry him. They gave each other a nice hug goodbye and there were tears from both boys. I love seeing J build relationships and care for other people so much. He’s more like Mom in that regard. It’s a beautiful thing.
Now it’s getting late and I’m tired, but Sunday was also pretty sweet. We got lunch with my cousins family and my Aunt and Uncle. They live just a little up the road in Ludington. Their last name is Hart which is my mom’s maiden name. We met in the town of Hart at the Big Hart Brewery. Hart’s don’t eat free, but it was pretty tasty. J and H both pooped there so that was good timing before we started out 3 hour and change drive home. Before we drove home we made a detour to the Silver Lake sand dunes. Mom and I took turns climbing the dunes with J since H was asleep and really needed sleep. Something like 3 miles worth of big sand hills, it was beautiful. They have a bunch of off road vehicles you can ride in or drive around. Next time we come back we are definitely doing some fun sand dune activities. Great tease. Great trip.
Hometown Weekend
6/23/19 – Sunday
It’s Sunday morning at 6am. I’m the only one up. I’m sitting at the kitchen table drinking a coffee. This has been a perfect weekend. Probably one of the last ones we’ll have here before we move across town. On Friday we went to our company picnic at the zoo. The weather was perfect. J spent the most time in the reptile room. H and I were outside balancing on rocks while J focused on the snakes.
Later on Friday, we walked to the dentist. Mom was out with friends so it was just us dudes. J had to get a cavity filled. His tooth brushing is subpar. From now on, I’m going to have to brush for him. I also just bought expensive plug-in brushes for both boys. J was nervous going into the appointment, but ended up handling it like a champ. The laughing gas definitely helped. I think he liked it because he was breathing it in like he was hyperventilating into a bag, really trying to take it all in. Doctor said he was the best five year old patient he’d ever had.
Yesterday after my morning OrangeTheory workout I took the boys to swimming class. Then we went and got donuts at the Donut Bar. After that we came home and chilled for a while. The boys watched some paw patrol and I packed some stuff up for the move. Then they played outside with the next door neighbor boy. I sold a couple things on FB Marketplace. When mom got home from her friend’s bridal shower we all walked into town to go to a carnival happening downtown. H was asleep for a while so J rode everything by himself at first. He was having a blast. His favorite thing was the funhouses. Harrison woke up in time to go on a few rides. After that we went to dinner at Bar Louie. Absolutely beautiful day and great time spent with the family.
It’s interesting to see your personalities develop. J is much more cautious than H. Any time H does anything I feel like it’s an emergency room visit waiting to happen. Absolute reckless abandon. Last night when mom was reading to the boys in J’ bed, H decides to try to flip over on his head and ends up bending his neck all out of wack. Probably a mild sprain. After donuts, H was running through the planters in front of the store like a crazy man. There were rose bushes throughout the planters and he got his legs totally scraped up. He didn’t even notice. I was putting him in the car to leave and saw all the scratches and was like “dude, those bushes had thorns.” He was like, “yeah, whatever.”.
So at five and three we’ve got ourselves an academic and a daredevil. It’s going to be so fun watching these boys grow.
Inhospitable Hospital
6/16/19 – Sunday
Happy Father’s day to me. It’s been a great day, but I haven’t written in a while so before getting to today, let’s catch up on the past week. Last Sunday Harrison had a fever. Mom called the Doctor and the doctor said, get that boy to a hospital bed. Since H was also complaining of knee pain the doc thought it’d be a good idea to go to the ER. H had a skinned knee get infected over Easter so they were worried perhaps the previous antibiotic hadn’t taken care of it entirely. They decided to admit him because he was dehydrated and there was a higher level of a bacteria and a low white blood cell count in his blood test. It was determined that he had herpangina (I remember this by saying “Herbie’s vagina”). They didn’t see any issue with the knee via X-ray, but wanted to check using an MRI. They couldn’t get an MRI until Monday so Mom spent the night in the hospital with H. J and I went up there for dinner. It was tough seeing my little guy hooked up to an IV, looking scared and sick. The docs were pretty certain the MRI would be fine, but they wanted to rule out a bone infection. Bone infection would have been really bad news, but treatable.
We took a backseat to emergency MRI’s, so we didn’t end up getting in on Monday. It was my turn to spend the night with you on Monday. We finally got you into the MRI on Tuesday evening. They had to give you general anesthesia before the procedure so you wouldn’t move around in the MRI tube. The MRI analyzers were gone for the day by the time they were done with yours. They said we might need to stay another night, but mom wasn’t having it. They let you go home Tuesday night and called in the morning with the results. And the winner is…Harrison’s knee! No problems with the MRI. We spent two days in the hospital for Herbie’s Vagina.
Yesterday afternoon we went out to Mimi and Poppa’s. The weather was rainy. We went out to dinner, then got some ice cream, then came home and watched some of the U.S. Open golf tournament. Sleeping out there is tough because you two are each in little cots on each side of the queen bed mom and I share. Since you two don’t usually share a room, you get all excited and it takes forever to calm you down. By the time we get you calmed down, mom and I are ready for bed too. This puts a crimp in our alone time.
This was the first Father’s Day that my dad hasn’t been alive. I was thinking about him a lot. I took a 10 mile bike ride in his honor. My dad liked to go on long bike rides. I took a rest at the Shiawasee river to sit on the river bank. My plan was to meditate but the skeeters were all up in my grill so that backfired. I’m not a super spiritual person so I wouldn’t say dad was with me on my ride or during the day, but I enjoyed thinking about him and imagining what would have been going through his head. Thoughts on the beauty of nature and the gratitude I have for my life dominated my mind.
The weather was rainy and cold, but we still bundled up and took a boat ride to go get ice cream. On the way there the three of us sat together under a big heavy blanket. I loved holding you close to me and looking across the boat to your mom. As Poppa would say, “it doesn’t get any better than this”. Even later when I was napping and you both started jumping on me and acting completely insane, nothing but love coming from me. That’s a retrospective love. At the time my exact words were, “What are you doing? Get off me!!”. Time for me to go to bed. Gary Woodland won the open over Brooks Koepka.
The Baby Girl that Wasn’t
6/7/2019 – Friday
I’m sitting in the surgical lounge on the 3rd floor at the hospital. Mom just had what’s called a D & C to clear up the area where a baby is supposed to grow. We found out a few days ago that the baby that was supposed to be 9 weeks along in her belly had stopped growing at 6 weeks and no longer had a heartbeat. The doctor just talked to me and said everything went well and I’ll be back to see her in a half-hour. So now we hit the reset button. 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage according to our doctor. It’s sad, but shit happens. We move forward. If we want to try again, we will. If we don’t or can’t, we won’t. It’s that simple.
This illuminates what a blessing life is. It doesn’t come easy and we’re already lucky enough to have two of the most awesome dudes around in you two. Your mom is the studliest of all the studmuffins. It’s her body that has to go through all this. I know it’s harder on her than anyone, but she’s tough, she’ll move on. I was thinking yesterday about how cool it is that mom cares so much. I remember when I first met her it was a little overwhelming. I couldn’t believe this fun, beautiful person wanted to be around me so much. Then I noticed that she always brings people together, which is so difficult. She cares about everyone and can always be counted on. This will hurt for a little bit, but we’ll take care of each other, and we’ll count the blessings we have. There’s always something to be thankful for when you’re lucky enough to be breathing air on this planet.
Whatever happens along our journey in life, good and bad, we keep going. Because we’re alive! And you boys are guaranteed unconditional love from Mom and I forever. That means no matter what you do that is shitty or great, you’ve got love from us two regardless. We’ll be home soon and we’ll chow down because Mom hasn’t eaten since last night so she is going to be one hungry hippo!
Why would a 5 Year Old Want to Die?
6/3/2019 – Monday
Last Thursday when I picked J up at daycare (H was home sick with Mimi) a teacher gave me an incident report stating that J said he wanted to kill himself earlier in the day. It went on to say, that when questioned, J clarified that he didn’t want to be there was all. I thanked the teacher and said I’d have a conversation with J. Inside me everything went fuzzy and I had to focus really hard on pretending to be unfazed. How did J ever hear about killing oneself as a thing? Was he depressed? Should I get him a therapist? What can I do differently to make him happy? When I talked to him on the car ride home he said he wanted to be alive and that he just didn’t want to be at school that day. I tried to tell him how great it is to be alive and that we’re so lucky to be blessed with life and how precious it is. But the dude is five, it’s not like these nuggets I tell myself everyday to stay upbeat are making him see the light. He doesn’t even understand what killing ones self is. But how the heck did he hear that to even say it? He probably caught it in a song or on a show and it registered. He remembers everything. He’s so smart. I worry about him being sad and scared in public settings. At home and with close friends he’s always having fun. I worry he secludes himself with the bigger groups. When I picked him up the other day, his class was outside and he was standing in the corner by himself picking dandelions. Then Friday evening at his graduation, he threw up and couldn’t go on stage with his classmates to sing. I don’t know how much was nerves and how much was the fact that he was running a fever and feeling sick. He did rally to accept the diploma when they called him. I know he has lots of good friends at school. I can’t expect everyone to think he’s as awesome as I think he is. I hope he’s strong enough to ignore the haters, love him for him, and be him always. There will be people that love him and people that don’t. There’s a lot of shitty and mean people in the world, I hope he stands up to them instead of trying to please them and be their friend. There’s plenty of good people to go around. I wasted way too much time growing up trying to be friends with jerks. I sacrificed my self-respect because I didn’t have any confidence.
Oh shutup, J is a natural born leader that people want to be around. He knows what he wants and is able to convince other people what he wants is what they want. I feel like I’m projecting my rough time from 7th – 11th grade on to his pre-school experience. The dude was sick, he was having a bad day, take it easy. He’s fine.
Plant your Flag
5/29/19 – Wednesday
Well I guess we jumped the gun on getting H back to school today. We got a call around lunch saying H had a low grade fever, didn’t eat his food, and said his ear hurt. So I left work early again to pick him up and take him to the Doctors office. Mom will be picking up his prescription for the ear infection later. No soccer for him tonight. J has ice skating lessons.
I finished the “When Breath Becomes Air” audiobook today. Tough listen. It’s the memoir of a super smart Neurosurgeon who was just finishing up all the years of schooling it takes to become a stud Stanford doctor when he discovered he had lung cancer. He primarily wrote it during his last year of life as he came to grips with his impending death. 8 months before he died his daughter was born. I was crying like a baby on the way to work today. Part of me was thinking about my Dad and how he experienced almost the same last year of his life. I was also thinking of my Mom and how she cared for him during that time. I wondered what it was like in those intimate moments between the two of them when they talked about death and what was most important as he fought for that last year. I thought about how fragile life is and how lucky I am to be here and have such a great family that I love so much and loves me back. I want to protect the boys from anything bad ever happening to them. I worry about those life defining moments that set you down your path in life. I know I’ll feel whatever pain they feel so viscerally it might as well be happening to me. There’s much physical and emotional pain to come. That’s okay. We get to live! For a short time on this earth we are alive and your mom and I will do everything we can to facilitate the life you imagine for yourself. We’ll also expand your imagination so you understand you can do anything. No matter what you decide, no matter what you do wrong or where you end up, we are going to love you always. I’m going to be the sappy dad that cries a lot and tells you how much I love you and wants to give you hugs. I’ll have a hard time letting go when you’re trying to turn yourself loose on the world. I’ll do what I can to help you but just because you want something doesn’t mean the rest of the world is going to cooperate. The rest of the world can be a real dick and it might take a while to show it how amazing you are. I know you’ll wear it down, you’ll keep at it. Eventually the world will be begging for mercy as you plant your flag with a smile on your face, just happy to be alive and doing what you love.
Sold & Old!
5/28/19 – Tuesday
Tuesday after Memorial Day. I’m sitting at home with a sick kid at 3pm. H has a fever, cough, and runny nose. He’s watching Super Truck. We sold the house on Saturday. The thing sits on the market for 35 days with no offers, then we ended up getting a flurry of three between Friday and Saturday. A couple from Chicago was the winning bidder. They’re letting us live in the house until August 4th. On Saturday we were getting a lot of calls from the realtor when we were out at Mimi and Poppa’s. It was pretty exciting and a huge load off to get the house sold. Now we just need to pass the inspection.
Mom and I went out to dinner and a concert last Wednesday to celebrate her birthday. You two went to Mimi and Poppa’s because we had house showings. We ate at Mabel Gray and it was delicious. Then we saw Jim James (lead singer of My Morning Jacket). There were plenty of good seats still available. The show was good, but I was nodding off so we decided to leave early and go home to go to sleep. Not having you two bust into our room in the middle of the night to try to sleep in our bed was awesome. You stayed the night at Mimi and Poppa’s on Thursday night as well. By Friday, we were missing you and couldn’t wait to get out to the lake to give you big hugs.
The night before, J smashed Mimi’s ipad in frustration and ruined the glass cover. Extremely not cool dude. We’ve started a money jar for J to collect enough money by doing chores to pay for the repair for Mimi.
Aunt D came to the lake with her daughter on Saturday. You all had a fun time. We caught some fish in the net, went for a boat ride, got ice cream, and jumped off the raft.
You started coughing more on Sunday and then yesterday you had a fever. It didn’t stop you from playing outside though. You don’t want to miss out. On Sunday, H and mom caught a bass with a nightcrawler. It was pretty awesome. We think we’re going to get more into fishing this summer. I want to catch a pike off the dock. We’ll see how my patience holds up.
I went to take you boys for a canoe ride on Saturday and discovered a dead possum underneath where we had stored it for the winter. There were stinky guts all over it. Peeeeeee-youuuuuu! Or as H would say after I say that when I’m changing his diaper, “Peeeeee-meeeee!”.
The Family Record 