Tag: life

It’s Good for Something

It’s 11 o’clock on a Tuesday night. I just got back from my last night of tennis league. I’m in the playroom with a Penguins vs. Rangers 2nd overtime playoff hockey game on in the background. This is me, it always has been. I want to be alone with my thoughts late at night. I want to write my mind then live tomorrow, then write my mind again. Stop resisting yourself and your truth. Truth gets harder as you get older. I don’t want to feel disappointed in myself so I put a positive spin on everything. I have bad thoughts but I put those in the minority. Like how lucky I am to have two healthy boys and a beautiful wife that I love and want to bang all the time. 

I don’t want to pretend things are perfect though. Even with the anti-depressants and the adderall, I know in my pit that I’m not doing enough shit to be better. I don’t Pisa myself (Italian version of “Lean In”) enough. I’ve always felt my best when I do things that scare me. Shit scares me because I know it’s what I need to do. Whether that’s writing every night, coaching my kids team, being a better disciplinarian, a better sexer, a harder worker, starting something I could fail at; it all scares me. And I know that doing that stuff is what would lead to actual success outside of the top 85% of society. But I’m afraid to risk it. What if I lost it all? What if I had to endure hardship? I’ve been male middle class and white my whole life and that shit is easy. Do I really want to have an impact or just hope my kids realize what a pussy I was and decide to become somebody in my honor?

I’m 44 years old. It’s about time I started accepting who I am. Maybe even embracing it? I’m decent. It can’t be a good idea to walk through life constantly thinking you could be doing better. Or is that what the bosses want? Do they want someone that doesn’t realize their worth, that they can take advantage of and make money off of, while they do whatever the fuck they want because they had the balls to start something?

And don’t get me started on charity and service. Most of my family has dedicated their lives to service oriented professions like nursing, social work, military, and teaching. Here I am selfishly consuming whatever the fuck I want while the world burns and my grandkids won’t exist. There’s so much more I could do to help. So knowing that, why the fuck do I sit down and do nothing for four hours a night? 

Time to repeat the mantra I just started telling the kids every morning:

I am important.
Today is going to be a good day.
The world needs me.
Today I choose happiness.
I believe in myself.
Today is a fresh start.
Today I will do my best.

I tried to repeat this to my wife as she got into her minivan to commute to work this morning. She wasn’t having it (monthly visitor approaches). It’s odd because I know that there is nothing I can do to make her happy during this time. I could do all the laundry, clean the house from top to bottom, munch her box for an hour and she’d still tell me I suck. 

I have it pretty good. I could be better, but soon I’ll need to accept the fact that I’m not. 

Was Life Good for Dad?

When Dad said, “Do what makes you happy.” I should’ve asked him if what he did made him happy more often. He said he’d always been been obsessed with having money. So it made sense that he was a CFO. However, when he reminded me to pursue what makes me happy it was always after a hard day at work. He’d say it with sad eyes as if to tell me that what he was doing wasn’t making him happy.

Maybe life is more than climbing to the top. Maybe he saw things in life he didn’t want me to see.

Maybe his career was based on the pressure he felt from his parents because they had grown up with no money during the depression.

Before he died he told my mom he’d been a good provider. I hope he knows he was more than that. He taught me who I am. Maybe he thought a lot of the most successful people in history weren’t good. Maybe that’s why he could see me as middle management someday.

Plant your Flag

5/29/19 – Wednesday

Well I guess we jumped the gun on getting H back to school today. We got a call around lunch saying H had a low grade fever, didn’t eat his food, and said his ear hurt. So I left work early again to pick him up and take him to the Doctors office. Mom will be picking up his prescription for the ear infection later. No soccer for him tonight. J has ice skating lessons.

I finished the “When Breath Becomes Air” audiobook today. Tough listen. It’s the memoir of a super smart Neurosurgeon who was just finishing up all the years of schooling it takes to become a stud Stanford doctor when he discovered he had lung cancer. He primarily wrote it during his last year of life as he came to grips with his impending death. 8 months before he died his daughter was born. I was crying like a baby on the way to work today. Part of me was thinking about my Dad and how he experienced almost the same last year of his life. I was also thinking of my Mom and how she cared for him during that time. I wondered what it was like in those intimate moments between the two of them when they talked about death and what was most important as he fought for that last year. I thought about how fragile life is and how lucky I am to be here and have such a great family that I love so much and loves me back. I want to protect the boys from anything bad ever happening to them. I worry about those life defining moments that set you down your path in life. I know I’ll feel whatever pain they feel so viscerally it might as well be happening to me. There’s much physical and emotional pain to come. That’s okay. We get to live! For a short time on this earth we are alive and your mom and I will do everything we can to facilitate the life you imagine for yourself. We’ll also expand your imagination so you understand you can do anything. No matter what you decide, no matter what you do wrong or where you end up, we are going to love you always. I’m going to be the sappy dad that cries a lot and tells you how much I love you and wants to give you hugs. I’ll have a hard time letting go when you’re trying to turn yourself loose on the world. I’ll do what I can to help you but just because you want something doesn’t mean the rest of the world is going to cooperate. The rest of the world can be a real dick and it might take a while to show it how amazing you are. I know you’ll wear it down, you’ll keep at it. Eventually the world will be begging for mercy as you plant your flag with a smile on your face, just happy to be alive and doing what you love.