Tag: lifelessons

Was Life Good for Dad?

When Dad said, “Do what makes you happy.” I should’ve asked him if what he did made him happy more often. He said he’d always been been obsessed with having money. So it made sense that he was a CFO. However, when he reminded me to pursue what makes me happy it was always after a hard day at work. He’d say it with sad eyes as if to tell me that what he was doing wasn’t making him happy.

Maybe life is more than climbing to the top. Maybe he saw things in life he didn’t want me to see.

Maybe his career was based on the pressure he felt from his parents because they had grown up with no money during the depression.

Before he died he told my mom he’d been a good provider. I hope he knows he was more than that. He taught me who I am. Maybe he thought a lot of the most successful people in history weren’t good. Maybe that’s why he could see me as middle management someday.

Plant your Flag

5/29/19 – Wednesday

Well I guess we jumped the gun on getting H back to school today. We got a call around lunch saying H had a low grade fever, didn’t eat his food, and said his ear hurt. So I left work early again to pick him up and take him to the Doctors office. Mom will be picking up his prescription for the ear infection later. No soccer for him tonight. J has ice skating lessons.

I finished the “When Breath Becomes Air” audiobook today. Tough listen. It’s the memoir of a super smart Neurosurgeon who was just finishing up all the years of schooling it takes to become a stud Stanford doctor when he discovered he had lung cancer. He primarily wrote it during his last year of life as he came to grips with his impending death. 8 months before he died his daughter was born. I was crying like a baby on the way to work today. Part of me was thinking about my Dad and how he experienced almost the same last year of his life. I was also thinking of my Mom and how she cared for him during that time. I wondered what it was like in those intimate moments between the two of them when they talked about death and what was most important as he fought for that last year. I thought about how fragile life is and how lucky I am to be here and have such a great family that I love so much and loves me back. I want to protect the boys from anything bad ever happening to them. I worry about those life defining moments that set you down your path in life. I know I’ll feel whatever pain they feel so viscerally it might as well be happening to me. There’s much physical and emotional pain to come. That’s okay. We get to live! For a short time on this earth we are alive and your mom and I will do everything we can to facilitate the life you imagine for yourself. We’ll also expand your imagination so you understand you can do anything. No matter what you decide, no matter what you do wrong or where you end up, we are going to love you always. I’m going to be the sappy dad that cries a lot and tells you how much I love you and wants to give you hugs. I’ll have a hard time letting go when you’re trying to turn yourself loose on the world. I’ll do what I can to help you but just because you want something doesn’t mean the rest of the world is going to cooperate. The rest of the world can be a real dick and it might take a while to show it how amazing you are. I know you’ll wear it down, you’ll keep at it. Eventually the world will be begging for mercy as you plant your flag with a smile on your face, just happy to be alive and doing what you love.

I’m Here for You

5/8/19 – Wednesday

Celtics season is over today. Bucks won in five. A Star is Born was pretty shitty. In the morning when I drop you boys off at daycare I always tell you to have fun and be nice to people. Lately I’ve been throwing in listen to your teachers and give everything 100% effort, but I don’t want to muddle the message too much. Have fun and be nice to people pretty much covers it.

I think a lot about how much I love you boys. Usually after I drop you off and I’m in the car on the way to work after the teachers have had to peel you off of me. I don’t want to leave you either. I want to take you out of there and go to the zoo. I imagine how your day might go. This morning I heard one of the kids tell J he liked his new haircut and that he looked handsome. You boys are out there in the world of daycare every day. I worry you get sad. The teachers say you get happy as soon as I leave, but I’m sure you have moments during the day when you wish you could just be with mom and dad instead of with all those people you don’t know as well. I have those moments too. I was always pretty sensitive. Like if my mom was the last one to pick me up I’d get sad. And I used to wish my Dad didn’t work so late. Sometimes he’d get home from work early on Friday and play HORSE with us. I want you to know that even if I’m not there all the time, you’re my number one priority in this world. I’ll take care of the expected stuff like food, clothes, and shelter, but I’ll also show you how to have fun, work hard, and be nice to people. Beyond that, it’s mostly up to you. I’ll get into whatever you’re into and help where I can. I hope you’re comfortable telling me how you’re feeling about things. I might not be able to help you, but I can always give you a hug. Tonight, I was staring into H’s eyes as he was laying in his bed. He kept his gaze right on me and we had a good old staring contest. You’re not a mind reader, but my eyes were telling you I love you and I’ve got you.