Oh my god I love today. Today is so awesome. Shoot I’m supposed to say oh my gosh. Oh well, holy guacamole today is awesome. I love playing!! This new house is awesome, this yard is awesome, riding my bike is totally awesome! Hey I wonder what kind of cool toys the neighbors have in their garage. Let me check it out. Hmmm, nothing too great. Let me check inside their house. Shoot is that Dad telling me to get out of this house because it’s not ours. I’m trying to look for toys dad! Oh is that our other neighbors in the driveway? Oh yeah it is and they’ve got a gift bag! Cool, let me see. Awesome, sidewalk chalk and bubbles. I love smashing the chalk, let me show these new people how good I smash. Sweet, this the big bubble maker. Let me try to make a bubble. Oh man, this bubble maker doesn’t work. I better dump it out in front of them so they know their bubbles stink. I’m gonna ride my bike, better put on my helmet. I’m gonna ram my new neighbor with my bike and she’ll try to get out of the way, she’s going to think it’s fun. Better get out of my way! Why is Dad telling me to stop? We’re having fun playing dodge the bike over here. If he tells me to stop five more times I’ll think about it. Unless he says he’s going to take my ice cream away. Oh man, I hope he doesn’t remember the ice cream. If he takes away one of my bedtime books I can deal with that, but not my ice cream man. I need that. Okay, better do something else. Hey, look at that stone hill, I wonder if my bike will stay up if I try to roll it down that hill without me on it. Oh man, wipeout! That was awesome, I want to do it again. Daddy, get my bike! It’s too heavy and I want to bring it back up the hill so I can send it down again. C’mon Daddy! Oh man, he says I’m going to break my bike doing that and if I do it again he’s taking my ice cream. Better be cool. Dinner time. I hope it’s a turkey sandwich with cucumbers and mayo. Oh man, it’s chicken. At least there’s some cucumbers on the side. Dad says I have to have five bites or no ice cream. I’m going to pretend to take big bites but actually take little tiny ones. He’ll never be able to tell. I got my ice cream! So yummy. Now daddy wants me to brush my teeth and put my pj’s on. What the heck? I’m not even tired, I just had ice cream, doesn’t he know that’s full of sugar. I better brush really good because I don’t want to go to the dentist again. I should get on top of my dresser and try to jump on the bed, I think I can definitely make it. Dad is so loud when he yells at me, jeez! Ouch! I hit my lip, that really hurts. What is that red stuff? Oh my god I’m bleeding!!! I think I’m dying. DADDY DADDY DADDY! (Twenty minutes of wailing later). That ice helped. Daddy told me he loved me and would do anything for me. I love him to, he’s a good daddy. I really want to keep playing, maybe I could build a fort out of all the clothes in my closet, that would be cool. But I’m really tired, better go to sleep. Oh I can’t wait for my slushee at school tomorrow, it’s gonna be so good! I’m getting orange and strawberry then mixing them together. It’s gonna be awesome!
Tag: toddlers
Pure Michigan
7/1/2019 – Monday
I’m sitting in the family room with no power. Luckily there is enough juice left on this laptop to get some words down. I just pitched for the work softball team in Southfield. We got smoked by my old company. I’m feeling a little pissed because J pulled the curtain rod holster out of the wall. It happened because he constantly stands on the curtain and yanks it. Even though I’ve told him that doing so would break the whole setup, he continued doing it and broke the whole goddamn setup. Now me or mom is going to have to fix it before we close on the house next week. That is an extremely shitty fix it job waiting to happen.
Time to put that out of my mind and reflect on the wonderful weekend that was. We got on the road a little after nine on Friday morning and headed across the state to Montague where we met wife’s cousins family for lunch. It was a quaint slice of Americana right across from Lake Michigan with deli sandwiches and ice cream. They had a beautiful backyard courtyard where everyone dined. There was a sand box, games, fountains, and a koi pond. The boys ran free which gave the adults time to catch up. After that we stocked up at the local market then headed to our weekend home on Lake Michigan in Whitehall.
We stayed in the top right section of a big house on Lake Michigan in the town of Whitehall, right by White Lake and Duck Lake. About an hour after we got there, the Rizzo’s arrived from St. Louis. They have a boy named Luke in the same grade as J and a girl named Marmy the same age as Harrison.
We started with a climb down to the water level from the bluff above. There was no beach because the water level is higher than it has ever been. The owner of the place, Buddy Pops, told us there used to be a good 40 yards of beach. Or maybe it was 40 ft. Not sure, but it meant that come Saturday we’d need to find another place to hang out since our plan to lounge on our private Lake Michigan beach was dashed. Friday night we ate at a place called “Buzz’s Roost” on White Lake. It was only a half mile from the house. They had a great outdoor seating area looking out at the lake and a guy/girl duo playing folky tunes. We gave the boys the iPad’s in an effort to ignore our parenting responsibilities for the two hours we were there. Then we came home to catch the sunset over Lake Michigan from our balcony. Looking down the beach you could see everyone had come out of their homes to watch the sun make its curtain call. Looking out across the seemingly endless expanse of water at the sun slowly dropping below the horizon is all the entertainment I needed. My mind was at ease. And it was great to be hanging with Stickler and Bracy. We used to hang out a lot in Chicago when we both lived there. We let the kids keep the iPad marathon going until 10:30 ish when we finally put them down to bed. Then the adults sat on the balcony until around midnight. The stars were brilliant and I saw a shooting star.
The next morning there was a little more beach on the big lake so we explored the coastline until we ran out of real estate. After that we went to Duck Lake State Park because we heard there was some beach there. Duck Lake is pretty small so the water was warmer. The beach wasn’t much but there were only a couple other people there so it felt like we had the place to ourselves. The kids got along great with Luke and Marmy. Well J and Luke got along great and H and Marmy seemed to coexist well. We had packed a lunch so we ended up spending the whole day at that beach listening to tunes and peeing in the water. I got a good workout throwing Luke and Marmy into the sky then down into the water.
We were supposed to cook brats at the house for dinner, but nobody felt like it so we ended up just going back to Buzz’s. It was hotter Saturday and we all got a little toastier than we would’ve if we were being more diligent about sunscreen application. After dinner we went back to the house and claimed the communal firepit. We made smores and watched another sunset. The boys stayed up way too late again.
Sunday morning after breakfast we went and played in the Lake Michigan surf for a bit before it was time to go pack up. You know it’s been a good trip when you feel a bit sad knowing the end is near. J was getting especially sad knowing that goodbye’s were coming. He really loved him some Luke. He said he wanted to marry him. They gave each other a nice hug goodbye and there were tears from both boys. I love seeing J build relationships and care for other people so much. He’s more like Mom in that regard. It’s a beautiful thing.
Now it’s getting late and I’m tired, but Sunday was also pretty sweet. We got lunch with my cousins family and my Aunt and Uncle. They live just a little up the road in Ludington. Their last name is Hart which is my mom’s maiden name. We met in the town of Hart at the Big Hart Brewery. Hart’s don’t eat free, but it was pretty tasty. J and H both pooped there so that was good timing before we started out 3 hour and change drive home. Before we drove home we made a detour to the Silver Lake sand dunes. Mom and I took turns climbing the dunes with J since H was asleep and really needed sleep. Something like 3 miles worth of big sand hills, it was beautiful. They have a bunch of off road vehicles you can ride in or drive around. Next time we come back we are definitely doing some fun sand dune activities. Great tease. Great trip.
Hometown Weekend
6/23/19 – Sunday
It’s Sunday morning at 6am. I’m the only one up. I’m sitting at the kitchen table drinking a coffee. This has been a perfect weekend. Probably one of the last ones we’ll have here before we move across town. On Friday we went to our company picnic at the zoo. The weather was perfect. J spent the most time in the reptile room. H and I were outside balancing on rocks while J focused on the snakes.
Later on Friday, we walked to the dentist. Mom was out with friends so it was just us dudes. J had to get a cavity filled. His tooth brushing is subpar. From now on, I’m going to have to brush for him. I also just bought expensive plug-in brushes for both boys. J was nervous going into the appointment, but ended up handling it like a champ. The laughing gas definitely helped. I think he liked it because he was breathing it in like he was hyperventilating into a bag, really trying to take it all in. Doctor said he was the best five year old patient he’d ever had.
Yesterday after my morning OrangeTheory workout I took the boys to swimming class. Then we went and got donuts at the Donut Bar. After that we came home and chilled for a while. The boys watched some paw patrol and I packed some stuff up for the move. Then they played outside with the next door neighbor boy. I sold a couple things on FB Marketplace. When mom got home from her friend’s bridal shower we all walked into town to go to a carnival happening downtown. H was asleep for a while so J rode everything by himself at first. He was having a blast. His favorite thing was the funhouses. Harrison woke up in time to go on a few rides. After that we went to dinner at Bar Louie. Absolutely beautiful day and great time spent with the family.
It’s interesting to see your personalities develop. J is much more cautious than H. Any time H does anything I feel like it’s an emergency room visit waiting to happen. Absolute reckless abandon. Last night when mom was reading to the boys in J’ bed, H decides to try to flip over on his head and ends up bending his neck all out of wack. Probably a mild sprain. After donuts, H was running through the planters in front of the store like a crazy man. There were rose bushes throughout the planters and he got his legs totally scraped up. He didn’t even notice. I was putting him in the car to leave and saw all the scratches and was like “dude, those bushes had thorns.” He was like, “yeah, whatever.”.
So at five and three we’ve got ourselves an academic and a daredevil. It’s going to be so fun watching these boys grow.
The Baby Girl that Wasn’t
6/7/2019 – Friday
I’m sitting in the surgical lounge on the 3rd floor at the hospital. Mom just had what’s called a D & C to clear up the area where a baby is supposed to grow. We found out a few days ago that the baby that was supposed to be 9 weeks along in her belly had stopped growing at 6 weeks and no longer had a heartbeat. The doctor just talked to me and said everything went well and I’ll be back to see her in a half-hour. So now we hit the reset button. 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage according to our doctor. It’s sad, but shit happens. We move forward. If we want to try again, we will. If we don’t or can’t, we won’t. It’s that simple.
This illuminates what a blessing life is. It doesn’t come easy and we’re already lucky enough to have two of the most awesome dudes around in you two. Your mom is the studliest of all the studmuffins. It’s her body that has to go through all this. I know it’s harder on her than anyone, but she’s tough, she’ll move on. I was thinking yesterday about how cool it is that mom cares so much. I remember when I first met her it was a little overwhelming. I couldn’t believe this fun, beautiful person wanted to be around me so much. Then I noticed that she always brings people together, which is so difficult. She cares about everyone and can always be counted on. This will hurt for a little bit, but we’ll take care of each other, and we’ll count the blessings we have. There’s always something to be thankful for when you’re lucky enough to be breathing air on this planet.
Whatever happens along our journey in life, good and bad, we keep going. Because we’re alive! And you boys are guaranteed unconditional love from Mom and I forever. That means no matter what you do that is shitty or great, you’ve got love from us two regardless. We’ll be home soon and we’ll chow down because Mom hasn’t eaten since last night so she is going to be one hungry hippo!
Mundane Retelling of a Day
5/18/2019 – Saturday
House all cleaned. Ready for a showing at 12:45. Best buddy and his girls are on the way. When they get here we will go out to lunch then head to a nearby park. The boys are watching Justin Time and have been for the last 3 hours. I feel bad about all the screen time but really needed to clean the house. Plus it’s educational so they’re probably getting a leg up on the competition thanks to Justin.
Yesterday we closed on our new house. So now we officially own two houses, which puts a major strain on the wallet. So we need to sell the current house soon. The former owners of our new house are renting from us through the end of July. We didn’t do a good job keeping up our current house, which I think is why we’re having trouble selling it. At the new house we will stay on top of fixing everything as soon as it goes wrong.
The realtor got the boys nets, a bucket, spelunking lights, and a box for any critters they catch at the new house. He got me a book about bird watching so I can learn about all the pretty birds we’ll see out our back window.
I got mom a surprise night away in Detroit at the Foundation hotel with her friend yesterday. They ate at Takoi, a funky Thai restaurant in Corktown. Me and the boys got cheap Chinese then went to the park. They were pretty good, but I did have to take a book away from J for dumping sand out of the sand box after I had already told him not to. After the boys were asleep I watched a couple Game of Thrones episodes. J crawled into bed with me at 5:30, and although it’s a king size bed he wanted to use my shoulder as a pillow. Fine by me. You both don’t like to be left alone at night. I wonder if we’re meant to sleep in a pack like a family of bears would do. I hate to see you both get so sad and lonely when I close the door. Hope that’s not damaging your emotional growth or something.
Buy this House & Dance
5/4/2019 – Saturday
Mom took the boys to a mommy/son dance yesterday. On her orders I had stopped at the florist to get two single roses for the boys to give to her. (Sidebar: I was next in line for the cashier and there were two people behind me. This old lady moseys in and walks right up to the counter and asks to pick up her order. She sidled right in front of me to yell at the cashier: “Yeah, pick up for Cunt McCunterson!” I really wanted to notify her of the fact that there was a line in a very impolite way, but I resisted. However, when she was filling out her cards and asked the audience how to spell choreograph, I didn’t help her and you know damn well I knew how to spell choreograph.) I told the boys to give the flowers to mom, ask her to the dance, and say “these flowers are beautiful, but not as beautiful as you”. They gave mom about five seconds with her flowers before taking them back and tearing them apart petal by petal (She loves me!).
While they were at the dance I ate a dairy-free dinner since I decided yesterday that I’m not doing dairy anymore. Me and cow titties have had a good run, but there’s been enough flatulence to call it a day. After that I spot cleaned the many stains on our upstairs carpet. Most of them have been in there long enough to make it a lost cause, but I did get a milk stain out of H’s room that I should’ve cleaned up 8 months ago when it happened. When they got home from the dance J was sent packing without bedtime books because he wasn’t listening and he face rammed mommy while she was trying to show me videos from her phone of H doing an amazing twerk.
We had an open house today from 11-2. No takers, five visitors. Going to drop price from 375K to $360 or $350 soon. I’m trying to tune out my inner insane person because every time I clean something it opens my eyes to something new that sucks about our house and I say another promise not to neglect our new house like we did this one.
I took the boys to H’s soccer class while mom did some last minute cleaning. They did the soccer lesson on the tennis courts. Every time H runs I picture him falling on his face. I feel like I’m just waiting for them to get hurt. Then we met up at the dinosaur exhibit. Driving down the long, rolling, winding lane of the perfectly manicured grounds of the prep school made me wish we could send the boys there. Part of me wanted to pull out of the deal on the new house, stay in the current one, and put all dad’s life insurance money into tuition. Even all that money would probably only get you kids through grade school. Then we’d have to pay our own money when Dad’s ran out, which would really cut into our plan to retire in key west by age 60. The public schools in our new town kick ass, you’ll be fine.
We ate lunch at a new place. J and H each got pancakes that were amazing. I had to violate my dairy-free lifestyle in order to test them for heat. It took a few bites to make sure they were just right for consumption. H had a pretty huge milk spill. Accidents happen. No nap for J today so he was acting extra insane tonight. After having to tell him five times to brush his teeth and put his jammies on I was at my wits end. Then when he kept putting his nose in my face like he did to mommy that was the last straw. I’m going to head downstairs now and watch “A Star is Born” (Bradley Cooper / Gaga version) with Mom. Sleep tight.
Secret Cookies & Kindergarten
5/2/2019 – Thursday
H successfully avoided his third straight day of getting a time out at school for roughing up his buddy. As J would say, he was being bad H, and we want good H. H woke up when I did at 5:30 this morning. He stayed behind with Mommy for breakfast (toaster waffle with bananas and syrup on top) while I went off to Orange Theory fitness where I managed to not shit my pants.
Mom picked up J at school early so they could go check out his future kindergarten class together. He loved the toy cars selection so it should work out for him. I picked up H at daycare then we met up with Mom and J for dinner while some potential buyers took a tour of the house. H was crying because mommy wasn’t there and he didn’t want to go out to dinner and his foot hurt and he wanted to hold his medicine and he wanted to buckle his self in. That 5:30 wake-up call was biting him in the ass. At dinner H was running around the restaurant like a crazy man. I thought he was trying to find a corner to hide in to take a poop. So I carried him to the bathroom and put him on the potty in hopes of a clean deuce since I didn’t have any extra diapers. Hysterics ensued and there would be no potty poop, luckily there was no poop in diaper either.
I was on solo bedtime duty tonight so mom could get her hair did. Both boys were cray cray after tubby time. I was getting frustrated and starting to lose my patience. I didn’t scare them with any wild outbursts of rage, but H did lose any chance of a treat tomorrow and I pretty much had to hog tie him to get his jammies on. I gave J my phone while I put H to bed. We had a deal to split a cookie together after I got H down. We had just finished our delicious cookie mom brought back from San Diego when H burst into the kitchen, having picked his lock. Luckily he didn’t notice and I told J not to blow our cover. I discreetly wiped up the rainbow sprinkles and H was none the wiser. Sucker! H escaped his room three times before finally settling. I read J Cars 2 for the 3rd time in the last week. His favorite scene is when Mater goes to the Japanese toilet and he acts out like he just took a huge poop. He learned everything he knows from me.
Tubby Time
4/30/19 – Tuesday
It’s 9:09 PM, halftime of the Celtics-Bucks game. Celts trail by four. J is departing my room after a thunder induced visit. There’s a steady rain and the occasional thunder clap, pretty peaceful if you ask me. I’m more worried that he hasn’t pooped since Saturday. Looks like he’s holding in a belly full of shit. I gave the boys tubbies tonight and they were acting insane afterward per usual. The routine at the end of the tubby is they lay down in the tub side by side until the water drains out. Then I restart the water to rinse off the suds by dousing them with water from big bubba keg cup. They like getting their nuts splashed. Then there’s a struggle to see who can be the first one out of the tub, with J winning tonight. I bundle them both up like burritos in their towels, then they run around screaming until the towels fall off. Tonight they were showing off their booties.
Then they were playing their guitars singing a song about cheese and tacos. It took a long time of them not listening to a word I said to finally get them settled. We read The Incredibles and Monsters University from the Disney book in J’s room. I’ve put in a no Cars 2 rule the last couple days because I’m so sick of it. I got H down by sitting cross legged in his room and humming the go to sleep song. Now I’m going to get back to the Celts game.
Solo Dad
4/29/19 – Monday
Mom is in San Diego for the Gartner Consulting conference so I’m in super Dad mode. H crawled into bed with me around five this morning and not much sleep happened between then and 6:20 when I got in the shower and turned on Blaze and the monster machines for him. When I was done with the shower J had joined H in our bed. Aside from the standard teeth pulling about teeth brushing, getting clothes on, eating, and getting out the door; it was a pretty good morning and I was ready to kick ass. On my way into work I listened to a book called “You are a badass”. I was ready to crush this Monday. Then as I was getting my morning herbal tea, I ripped my sweet J Crew pink/red button down on a drawer. Nothing major, still going to crush it, I just had to switch over to a tucked in look to conceal the tear.
Mimi and Poppa picked the boys up from daycare today so I could go to J’s kindergarten open house. Looks like a nice school. I think it will be a great community to raise the kids. Saw a friend from work who will also be sending her daughter to school at Moraine. I had to fill out a card about J to give to school and they asked what he enjoyed as far as learning goes. I said maps and numbers. They asked what books he was reading and I said he was doing the Bob books, though we haven’t done those in a while. Need to get back into the reading routine so J picks it up.
The boys were chilling on their tablets when I got home. Then after Mimi and Poppa left and it was time to go to bed, they amazingly got hungry again. So I gave them a cheese stick and their leftover McDonalds. They were running around like wild animals while I was trying to get them to brush their teeth. Whenever I want them to do something I go into super angry guy voice mode, which can’t be good parenting. My dad used to do that and it scared the shit out of me. It’s easier than thinking of the right threat in the spur of the moment. Like, “If you don’t start brushing your teeth in five seconds, I’ll lock you in your room for the night”. Or I’ll take away your morning fruit snack, or your tablet. I hate having to threaten, but is there any other way? It’s not like I can just ask them to do something and J will be like, “H, did you hear that? Dad asked us to get our PJ’s on and brush our teeth. Let’s do that right away because it’s important for our sleep comfort and dental hygiene. Plus Dad asked us, and he knows what’s good for us”. We read Toy Story 2 and some peek a boo truck book for babies that’s been ripped apart. J was stinky tooting the whole time but wouldn’t poop. H aggravated his infected knee trying to do some weird somersault into his bed. That boy is a wild man.
They finally went down around 9:20. Now it’s my turn. I did my best today and I’ll do it again tomorrow.
About Them
J, you’re five and H, you’re three, so I guess whatever happened in your life to this point will remain a mystery. It should go without saying that I love you as much as I love anything in the world. The kind of love that when I think about it, it makes me cry, because it’s too much.
J, I would say you’re a bit more cautious than H. You’ve only been to the ER once and H has already been thrice. We took you when you had a virus and high fever when you were a baby. If it were up to me, you’d have zero ER trips but mom wanted to make sure you were okay. You’re the type of five year old that doesn’t mind doing his own thing. You don’t like taking orders. You’re good at getting other people to do what you want to do, you get that from Mom. You care deeply for the people in your life. Last week when we left Nana’s you cried because you were going to miss her. You tell me you’re sorry my Dad died and that you miss him. Tonight when mom had to leave for a business trip, four hugs goodbye wasn’t enough and you cried when she closed the door (After I pried you away from it). You’re really smart. You are good with numbers and really into maps. You say “I know that” a lot when I tell you something. I’m not sure if you really know or just don’t want anyone to think you don’t know. Mom and I are working on tougher discipline for you. If we say no treat, tv, or tablet, we’re trying to follow through. It’s hard, part of me wants to give you everything you want and the other part wants you to do as your told. Tough love with a heavy dose of love I guess.
H, you’re a snugglebuddy. You love to cuddle, kiss, and hug. You smile all the time. You make really funny faces. You do everything your big bro does. You’re a tough cookie, but you’ve had some accidents that have landed you in the ER 3 times. The first time you were around 1.5 and you got into the recycling and sliced your finger on the top of soup can. It was first thing in the morning and I was on the shitter. Mom rushed in with you and that index finger bleeding all over the place. That was a fine how do you do! I think you had to get around seven stitches for that one. It took four nurses and me to hold you down, plus enough drugs to knock down a seven year old before the doctor could get to sewing. The second time was a month ago. You, me, and J were playing Transformers on my bed and I fell back on you awkwardly. It knocked the wind out of you and you couldn’t catch your breath. I remember your face being frozen like you were trying to cry but no noise was coming out. Then as I hugged you and tried to comfort you, you went limp in my arms. I laid you down and the blood drained from your face. You had fainted, but I didn’t know what had happened so I yelled to Mom and she called 911. By the time the police, fire truck, and ambulance got here you were coming out of it. Mom had me take J out of the room because he was so scared, so I didn’t get to see you come to. I had never been more scared. We went to the ER to be safe and they confirmed it was a “vasovagal” response to not being able to catch your breath. Needless to say, Daddy is now done with all forms of horseplay. No more horsey rides, transformer fighting, or body slams. The third trip happened yesterday. We were in S.C. last weekend for Easter and you fell and skinned your knee while playing with the cousins. Nana cleaned it up and we didn’t think anything of it. At school this past Wednesday – Friday the teachers said you were complaining of your knee hurting. Your limp got worse and worse. Mom thought the bumps that were starting to form around your cut were a sign it was infected. She was right. I called the doctor on Saturday morning, and the doctor sent us to the ER to get it checked out. You had a 103 fever. Luckily the infection hadn’t spread to your joints. That would’ve meant we’d have had to stay at the hospital longer on an antibiotic IV. As it was, they gave you fluids and a little antibiotic in an IV and then sent you on your way. Now you’re taking oral antibiotics three times a day (Keflex). I should’ve watched the cut more closely and been more vigilant about keeping it clean. You can blame me for two out of your three ER trips. I don’t think you would though, you don’t seem like the type to hold grudges. You’re a fun-loving, laid back dude. You always want to help mom and dad with our chores.
The Family Record 