Tag: truth

It’s Good for Something

It’s 11 o’clock on a Tuesday night. I just got back from my last night of tennis league. I’m in the playroom with a Penguins vs. Rangers 2nd overtime playoff hockey game on in the background. This is me, it always has been. I want to be alone with my thoughts late at night. I want to write my mind then live tomorrow, then write my mind again. Stop resisting yourself and your truth. Truth gets harder as you get older. I don’t want to feel disappointed in myself so I put a positive spin on everything. I have bad thoughts but I put those in the minority. Like how lucky I am to have two healthy boys and a beautiful wife that I love and want to bang all the time. 

I don’t want to pretend things are perfect though. Even with the anti-depressants and the adderall, I know in my pit that I’m not doing enough shit to be better. I don’t Pisa myself (Italian version of “Lean In”) enough. I’ve always felt my best when I do things that scare me. Shit scares me because I know it’s what I need to do. Whether that’s writing every night, coaching my kids team, being a better disciplinarian, a better sexer, a harder worker, starting something I could fail at; it all scares me. And I know that doing that stuff is what would lead to actual success outside of the top 85% of society. But I’m afraid to risk it. What if I lost it all? What if I had to endure hardship? I’ve been male middle class and white my whole life and that shit is easy. Do I really want to have an impact or just hope my kids realize what a pussy I was and decide to become somebody in my honor?

I’m 44 years old. It’s about time I started accepting who I am. Maybe even embracing it? I’m decent. It can’t be a good idea to walk through life constantly thinking you could be doing better. Or is that what the bosses want? Do they want someone that doesn’t realize their worth, that they can take advantage of and make money off of, while they do whatever the fuck they want because they had the balls to start something?

And don’t get me started on charity and service. Most of my family has dedicated their lives to service oriented professions like nursing, social work, military, and teaching. Here I am selfishly consuming whatever the fuck I want while the world burns and my grandkids won’t exist. There’s so much more I could do to help. So knowing that, why the fuck do I sit down and do nothing for four hours a night? 

Time to repeat the mantra I just started telling the kids every morning:

I am important.
Today is going to be a good day.
The world needs me.
Today I choose happiness.
I believe in myself.
Today is a fresh start.
Today I will do my best.

I tried to repeat this to my wife as she got into her minivan to commute to work this morning. She wasn’t having it (monthly visitor approaches). It’s odd because I know that there is nothing I can do to make her happy during this time. I could do all the laundry, clean the house from top to bottom, munch her box for an hour and she’d still tell me I suck. 

I have it pretty good. I could be better, but soon I’ll need to accept the fact that I’m not. 

Truth Hurts

The whole family was a waste of space yesterday. The boys were on screens all day and I was in and out of consciousness watching Dickinson and NCAA basketball. We ordered DoorDash twice. Once for pancakes and pitas and another for sushi and dumplings. Like Petey says, another cycle of get fucked up and recover, I am regretful. I spent most of Friday evening drinking 5% ABV gluten free beer at a measured pace of one per hour. However, when my wife got home from a seven hour bar sesh with her besty at 10:30 I decided to turn it up a notch. Not to try to be on her level but because I felt like I was allowed since she was blacked out. So I stayed up until 1:30 drinking alone after tucking in my wife around midnight. By doing this I ensured a worthless Saturday. We did force the kids to take a twenty minute break to work on reading and site words, but after that it was right back to watching people play video games on YT. The whole family was in bed by 9pm. 

Now It’s almost 7 on a Sunday morning. My 8 year old son is playing a battle simulation game on the other laptop and my 6 year old boy is watching YouTube in the family room. Today will be better. I will finish my job related work, then do our taxes, then pack, then watch hoops. That should be enough. 

I’ve always been consumed by honesty. I’m writing this blog because I want to speak my truth even when doing so makes me look like a scrub. I’m sick of a society that requires the constant presentation of your best self. This leads to lying. I see this all the time at work. You present the best narrative of what success looks like for your company in order to spur investment and a rise in the stock price. It’s not a total lie because you believe that if given the investment you will turn your future narrative into truth. That ethos then filters down to all levels of the company. You want to present a narrative to your boss that fits with the narrative to investors. You ignore the red flags and create a success story out of a fluke. Eventually the house of cards will fall if the foundation isn’t solid. If you’re not focused on building products that the customer wants and earning their trust by working cooperatively with them then you won’t succeed. I’ve voiced my strategy to the boss but it wasn’t well received. Instead of battling him I try to make it work within my purview, but I know that the company as a whole can’t survive unless we make some of these difficult changes. However, if I press continuously I think I’ll get fired. I’ve got a prime spot at the end of the cul-de-sac and if I lose this job I risk not being able to hook the family up with all the niceties we’ve come to expect. I crave a company that values truth and honesty. Currently it seems like we’re always trying to dupe everyone. I’m shitty at duping. So I’ll look for a new job that likely won’t pay as much as I make now. I’ll try to find a company that shares my idealism. Capitalism with a conscience. It’s out there somewhere.